Vicki's Perspective (as a daughter)

My grandma's diagnosis has been hard for my mom (Vicki). This is not what she expected life would be like and this situation continues to change her life in so many ways.

The following is what Vicki had to say:

I’m the second of three daughters. I live four hours from Mom and Dad; my two sisters live in the same small farm town as them.  Since I would only see Mom every 6-8 weeks, I picked up on the early , subtle changes in Mom first.  When I’d mention it, my sisters would deny it.  Since I didn’t want it to be dementia,  I’d help her -remember names and help her find where she’d put the bills and jewelry that she "misplaced."

Then 4 years ago, Mom and Dad came for a week-end visit.  Mom and I went shopping and she didn’t meet me at our usual spot.  I found her talking to a strange lady and pretending everything was okay.  

The next morning, reality set in when Mom took Dad’s pills instead of hers!  Her blood pressure dropped and she “passed out."  This was a 911 and the beginning of acknowledging the dreaded reality---Mom has dementia—no more excuses or denying it!!

Well, Dad was able to manage keeping her at home for three and a half years until safety became a big issue.  Her disease was affecting her mobility and balance.  One night she got up to use the bathroom, lost her balance and fell into the bathtub.  Dad is 85 years old, 4 foot 9 inches and 145 pounds and was barely able to help her up. She was released to a nursing home for physical therapy to assist her balance and mobility.  However, after the 90 day stay, it never improved.  Actually, over the last 6-7 months, she has times where she can’t walk - she feels her feet are stuck to the floor, which is part of the dementia.  Seeing her in this home is so heartbreaking.  Not because she doesn’t  get good care, but because she’s not with Dad at home.  This is not the way we wanted to see them spend their “golden years."

It’s devastating to see your mom “lose” herself.  She was a very talented, strong, nurturing woman.  Now she cries frequently, asking  to go home, and at times doesn’t recognize who I am…There’s a role reversal---daughter/friend to caretaker.  I don’t mind to take care of her; actually, it’s an honor and I love her unconditionally.  It’s just I wish things weren’t like this.

I quit my job a year and a half ago so I could be more available to help her, Dad and be more supportive to the rest the family.  This enables me to take her for doctor’s appointments and visit every 2-3 weeks.

When I visit her, I enter “her world”---whatever that is for the time.  Sometimes, she’ll have an awareness of today and other times it’s a mixture.  I do her hair and nails, read to her, look at a photo album we made and keep updated for her, etc. 

Aphasia is another frustrating part of dementia.  Her ability to find the work/words she wants is becoming increasingly more difficult.  This will continue until she will not be able to speak coherently.  I dread that day!  So for now, I try to help her find the words and decrease her frustration.

As I see her fading away, I miss her—we were best friends.  She was my mentor and I owe her so much. It’s a blessing to have a mom like her and I’m blessed to have had her for all these years.  There will be no good time to lose her!!  Even though she’s not able to be “mom”, she still has a purpose; she’s still a joy and I still need her hugs.

I’ve learned that it’s important to take care of myself, build healthy relationships, love and live life and keep it in perspective, forgiving and having an attitude of gratitude and buy long term care insurance!

Before I leave her, I pray with her because I know God is not restricted by this or any other disease. He can comfort and protect her and give her a peace and joy in the midst of this.  He sustains me and I find comfort in knowing that this is temporary---the best is yet to be!!  For the moments that seem lost here and now, we will have in eternity...